Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The World I live in...

As a young black female in america i have faced a lot of bullshit in my life. From as far as i can think back i have been teased and tormented from everything to my dark skin, nappy head, to my taste in music and everything in between. Been ostracized by my own mother for being different. I fondly remember going home many days in elementary school crying my eyes out because kids at school would make fun of me and even hit me in the school yard. I remember crying at night knowing I'd have to return to the bullying the next day. Fast forward to middle school it was all happening again. I learned to control my emotions ( i.e. crying) better. However I started bottling my feelings. The boys would call me roach or tar baby and I'd just sit there and feel numb. The light skin girl in my class told me I was an ugly bitch. I'd act like i never heard her.
That lasted up until mid 7th grade where i just had enough of peoples bullshit. People talked to me like i was shit, I'd get right back in their face. I'd lash out and tell people off, throw text books at them and other things. I had a real attitude. Then i was know as the girl who didn't take anyone's mess, the ticking time bomb as one of my friends in middle school called me. During the mid elementary and middle school days home life wasn't the greatest so instead of crying all the time i lashed out and went toe to toe with people.
Once i reached High school i had a mixture of the "ticking time bomb" and the sad black girl. I was a mess. Depending on the day and my mood I'd either take the taunting or I'd lash out. All of high school all the way up to my first year of college were horrible because i had no other way of expressing my self except for anger or silence. I was horribly depressed and felt trap by my own mind. It was horrible. I felt like shit. I felt like nobody cared about me. Like i could day in front of a crowd of people and they'd all just walk over my lifeless corpse. I really felt like that. It all hit its peak my first year of college where i'd sit in class not making a sound, not answering a question, feeling awkward by just merely sitting in class with other people. I'd cry every night feeling a lone and feeling useless. Possible the worst time in my young life.
Thankfully, i now feel a lot better. Somewhere i gathered the courage to live my life and just be me. I know i am somebody, i know i am worth it and i love myself. I still have my days where i feel like shit but it is a lot better now. However i know out there there is a black girl who still feels like shit and worthless. I hope that she finds her way out of that whole or better yet has people around her that helps her. There is nothing like feeling like you are worthless.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Introduction...

.... So i started blog to put some of my thoughts out here on the interwebs. I have a lot of stuff on my mind all the time. I am one of those introverted folks and the people that i do talk to most of the time don't like to talk about shit that matters. So i figured that i could at least have a platform to talk about things that interest/effect me and people who look like me.
Anyway, i'm kind of pissed off all the time( you know having a vagina and being black and all) and am tired of that.....hopefully me writing and blogging about it will help :)

Besides being angry...... i'm in art school for photography, i'm a vegetarian, i rock an awesome fro, i'm from philly, i'm a cat lady and i'm young.....there is hope yet. So there it is my introduction outta the way